Friday

Okay, the fish tacos weren't that bad. They were actually kinda good.

This morning was the last morning to climb the mountain. Last night, I talked to Casey again. He made me promise to never do drugs. He doesn't trust himself to walk to the top of the mountain after thinking of jumping last time. I didn't know what to say, I've never even been close to thinking about suicide. I'm just so happy. But to think that Casey's mom is lesbian and Casey had an overdose on drugs. It's just so sad. I wish there was something I could do to help Casey out.

I don't know if I already said this or not, how I thought Laura was my encouragement partner. Well I was so positive she was because Sunday night she borrowed my flashlight and I caught a glimpse of my name in her diary. Well, last night I found out who had me, and it was Lee, Laura's mom, instead. I think Lee even said once about the bracelate she got me, "Oh that's so beautiful! Who got it for you?" I had no idea... Adios!

At Carmen's house today, me and Casey were pulling nails out of boards. Then he asked me "Have you ever thought about committing suicide?"

I just looked at him and said, "No, never. Why?"

"I've tried to," he said with a straight face.

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Drug overdose, and also after I found out my mom was gay."

"Should I believe you?"

"It's not funny."

"I'm not laughing."

Now that I've found out that a lot of my church friends have attempted suicide, I realize how good my life is. I'm so happy with my life. Right now I just want to run up to Casey and have him hold me as I cry. Why do I cry? I'm not sure. But I think it's because of my friends I thought were so happy and had wonderful lives have attempted suicide.

Yesterday morning at the cross, after everyone was on their way down, Lauren, Caitlyn, Kelsey and Collin stayed up there. Lauren and Caitlyn were hugging and Caitlyn was moving further towards the side of the mountain. Lauren wouldn't let go. Then Kelsey grabbed Lauren and Caitlyn was grabbed by Collin. Then Caitlyn tried to jump but Collin caught her just in time. She kicked and wanted to jump so bad.

As I heard that, I was so amazed. Even Casey said he was tempted to jump. It just makes me so sad, that I have totally abused all the love in my family and stuff like that. Not abuse but I mean like not care. But now that I see how other people need that love so bad, I'd give them all of mine if I could. But now I see that I can. Casey cried last night. John cried. Everyone cried but Kelsey.

I love all of them so much. I want to give them all my love. And I'm going to try. I just want to hold Casey right now. Just to hold him in my arms and comfort him. Oh, how I wish I could. But oh well. I'm going to see what's going on for lunch. I heard fish tacos.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I dreampt of Casey. It was a weird dream, and I would keep sitting up in bed. THis morning I also heard that last night there was a figure in our room. They think it was Satan. They couldn't see the face, only the silhouette. They said they were really scared, and that Chelsea screamed when she saw it both times. It's weird. I dind't think Satan would be able to come to a place so full of God.

We were all chosen for this trip. And I realized that tonight was the night that changed my life. This is why I was called here. As Caitlyn went around the circle and got to me, she said, "Holly, she speaks her mind. She argues with me and I love that she's always the only one who doesn't mind me yelling at her." That was my mission. To give these girls lives. To show them that I am not afraid of what will happen. I place it all in God's hands.

John just accepted Christ. Still crying...

Thursday

What I just saw was the most amazing thing. I cried so much just now. I'M STILL CRYING! I LOVE YOU LORD SO MUCH!

The life that Caitlyn and Lauren went through is nothing I could EVER relate to. But still, I love them so much, I am offering my own happiness to them. What they went through has to be so tough. I love them all so much! I cried the whole way through... It lasted several hours. It was so touching! And I'm so tired.

LORD, LET US ALL REST TONIGHT. WE ALL NEED IT SO VERY MUCH. YOUR BLOOD WASHED US ALL TONIGHT. YOUR SACRIFICE WAS MORE THAN WE COULD ALL ASK FOR. LORD, I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO GIVE THEM MY HAPPINESS I AM SO SPOILED. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! AMEN!

Wednesday

I'm so tired! This morning it was tough climbing the mountain. As the sun rose, there was a cross.

Casey and I are in the same cleaning/cooking crew dealy. So today we went on our scavenger hunt. It was fun. But I had guy's saliva all over me, courtesy of Casey.

The beach as so much fun. I actually WORE a tampon! I just stuck it in and put on my swimsuit. I also waded out to the first sand bar where I couldn't see my feet.

Tonight, we had local vendors come and I brought two necklaces ($2 each) and a bracelet ($1). Then Casey wanted this little silver anchor necklace for $3 and he started bribing me by massaging my back. Then I bought it for him and he gave me a hug. I didn't know what to do so I said, yet again, "Get off of me!" I really liked it though. I wish I could stay in his arms all night, but maybe I'm thinking a little too far into a future that's in God's hands. Who knows what God has in plan for us tomorrow?

DEAR LORD, PLEASE HEAL US OF OUR ILLNESSES. OUR THROATS HURT SO BAD I CAN'T SWALLOW. THIS TRIP HAS BEEN SO GOOD LORD, I'M SO BLESSED. UH OH, ANOTHER MEETING. I LOVE YOU FATHER GOD! AMEN!

Tuesday

Today at the dump, something changed me. I don't know what, but I was really quiet on the way back. I think I might be PMSing because I've been chewing people out. LORD HELP ME WITH MY MOUTH!

On the way back form loading bricks, Casey sat on the tailgate because the washer and drier were in the way. Not long after being on the road he said, "Great, everyone can see my boxers!"

And then I leaned back and looked and said, "I don't see anything."

Then after getting back, John, Casey, Beth and I went to the store. On the way there I gave both John and Casey piggy back rides, proving that I can pick them up. Then Casey wanted another one and he was trying to jump on me. Then he jumped just a little too high and he went flying over me as I fell. We laid there for about 2 seconds and laughed then got up. My leg and arm were bleeding. It was so funny.

On the way back he put his arm around me. I was shocked and said "Get your arm off me!" Even in the lunch line we were flirting. Is he like rally flirting with me, Lord? Or is it just what people see?

Monday

As I was reading the first two chapters of Philippians. I realized nothing. They seemed just as words apon a page. I know there is much more than just that. But where can I find it? As I read the words just floated by. I don't like that I don't go into depth about what I read in the Bible. I want it to be so much more than words, but why not for me. God give me the power to be able to see through Your word. For that is the thing that I most want. I want to see Your face. I want to hear Your voice calling to me through Your word. Where have I gone wrong? Can I fix this big mistake? I want more than to not realize what these words are saying.

A man in a truck drove by a little bit ago. "Buenos Dias! God bless you!" Is what I heard. It is so great, this passion they have for You. But where am I?

Sunday

Yesterday was a wonderful day. The plane ride was pleasant and I sat beside John. He's 13 and in the 7th grade, he's so tall. I feel short. We had so much fun while looking through the windows of our van at the sites of San Diego. I had my first public Burger that I've had in years! McDonalds isn't that bad.

The ride was okay to El Centro. Or should I say fun while looking at the sites. We finished shopping at 5:30 and then were on a nonstop trip to San Felipe. We got here, unloaded, made our beds, and at 10:00 we ate supper at some local place that had good tacos. I was sitting between Keefer (Casey) and Art. Talk about 2 annoying guys trying to constantly annoy me. We got home and went to bed. And you have NO CLUE how hard it is to brush your teeth with a glass of water. You keep having the urge to turn on the faucet and fill your cup back up.

Back up, the checkpoints and Border crossing was easy. The men there, though, were probably 16. They had big rifles and everything. It's sad.

Now it's morning. I woke up early, don't know why. It's just like that instinct when it's a first night somewhere. Right now I need to get in line for the shower. I stink. Bad. I need to be clean! Well I need to go!

DEAR LORD, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR US, PROTECTING US, IS MORE THAN WE CAN ASK FOR. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OUR SAFETY! AMEN!